Gloat with a Battle Cry | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, June 10, 2016 / LAST MODIFIED: 05:07 AM, June 16, 2016

HUMOROUSLY YOURS

Gloat with a Battle Cry

PARIS. I hold the hand of the elderly American gentleman a few extra seconds as we exchange greetings. I had to. This is my first time touching an ardent believer of 'Trump for President'. 

“Why?” I ask.

“Because she is a liar.” 

Hillary Clinton is the reason for him to go for the Republican hopeless, er, hopeful. It seems that the choice is determined by the lack of it. True, Obama comes with his charisma. But the deal is sealed in 2008 when America witnesses John McCain's prowess as a decision maker through the choosing of his running mate, Sarah Palin. 

But British comedian Imran Yusuf endorses one election promise of Trump: “I support his wanting to set up CCTV cameras in mosques. We can now find out what happens to our shoes during Jumma prayers.”

Looking back at the comedic windfall in the form of George W. Bush (I'm sure the comedians brought him back into office for a second term for another four years of uninterrupted supply of comedy material), many a comedian secretly desires Mr Trump in office. The jokes are flowing as is the reality of what started out as a joke in the form of Trump for office. 

The race is on. ‎Clinton wants a reformed America. Trump‬ wants a restored America – back to the original America (brown?). Clinton is on reforming Wall Street. Trump is on re-forming the wall along the US-Mexico border, paid for by Mexico and probably built by Mexicans residing in the US. (BSF, don't start getting ideas…). The Mexican President doesn't entertain the thought, but is surely entertained at the prospect. His jeers prompt Trump to toot his trumpet further, “Guess what, the wall just got taller.”

For Trump, the wall makes absolute sense. After all, he is a real estate magnate. He HAS to BUILD a legacy, so why not something that he's really good at. 

What a brilliant idea! Why didn't the 'Native' American think of this and build a wall along the East Coast of the US? No, no, the world would still not be deprived of the flamboyant Trump, but simply see him sitting today in his ancestral Berlin, clambering for a full Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Ronald Reagan's “Tear down the Wall!” 

I wonder what lobbying is taking place among the Secret Service community as to who will be on Trump's security detail should he be in office. The bar for entry just got higher, only Vulcans (of Star Trek's Spock fame) may apply, able to suppress grins which are preludes to laughter. They'll have great memoirs to write, as one retired man in black from Bill Clinton's White House days writes of a security risk called Monica Lewinsky, hearing a vase crash in the Oval Office, a yelling Hillary Clinton, a grinning (thumbs up) Slick Willy emerging with a black eye the following day while attributing his panda look to an 'allergic reaction'. I wonder if some disgruntled, flustered men in black on Trump's detail may deliberately let down their guards so as to see Mr. President being kidnapped by some extremists followed by the ransom call, as narrated by comedian Samuel See, “Unless you meet our demands, we will do something unthinkable to Mr. Trump – return him unscathed.”

And the general American voters are looking at it all as a duet between Donald Duck and Hilary Duff? Quite the contrary. Many panicked Americans are contemplating to move north to Canada, unless Justin Trudeau decides to build a wall (paid for by Trump).

How I miss you Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert during this comedy bonanza. The latter's words, “Trump is a toddler wearing man pants.” And that perhaps explains why despite his views on Muslims, Trump is no stingy in paying his tributes to every young boy's hero, Muhammad Ali.

Ali: “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”. Trump: gloat with a battle cry, sting like a flea (at best).

Never has the world missed a champion more. Too bad Ali isn't around to say once again, “It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out, it's the pebble in your shoe.”

In the US Presidential elections, there is the pebble and there is the mountain. And THAT is the serious issue with this election – one of the two from Clinton and Trump is going to be President.

The writer is an engineer at Ford & Qualcomm USA and CEO of IBM & Nokia Siemens Networks Bangladesh turned comedian (by choice), the host of ABC Radio's Good Morning Bangladesh and the founder of Naveed's Comedy Club. 
E-mail: naveed@naveedmahbub.com

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