I've never been the kind of person who sits and stares at stars. Never until recently when it's the one thing that seems to hold my sanity intact.
I've heard when people die, they become stars in the night sky. It's all figments of fairytales told to children as consolation that the world just can't be cruel enough to snatch away their loved ones in the blink of an eye. Against all logic of science and lucidity, I've recently taken upon considering its integrity.
So here I am, sitting alone on the roof, staring at the starry midnight sky and hoping for some sort of comfort to erode away the melancholy that dawned upon me. I'm not quite sure if it's normal to feel this way. Then again, nothing about what's been happening is normal. The death of you is not normal, it's cruelty, injustice at the highest order. Maybe that's just it. Im sitting here blaming the world and holding onto whatever shred of you I can because I've not accepted loss yet. Will I ever be able to accept it, well that's mystery to me.
I must be paranoid looking for you in the vast midnight sky. But for the sake of my sanity, here goes.
Can you see me? Can you hear me? Are you in pain or is it paradise up there? God I hope you're okay. I can only imagine your heaven, kicking around a football like your life depends on it. Oh or maybe pounding on those wrecked drums of yours, making angels weep.
You asked me to move on. I intend to live up to that final vow I made to you. Gripping onto whatever shred of you I can is not moving on, I know. But just this one time, this one last time, I'll look for your face in the stars.
Tomorrow is the day I get married. To a man who isn't you. Maybe I'll learn to love again. Maybe I'll live to be happy and content with my new life. Maybe I'll finally be okay.
I hope you know nothing has changed. You are still you, and I am still me. And death is just a brittle barrier. I hope you hear the conversations in my head, I hope you know they're about you. I hope you see my heart still has a spot for you. I hope you know it always will. Wherever life takes me, whoever life tosses me with, there will always be you and I.
I want you to know that this isn't where the curtains close for us. It's not the epilogue to our movie, I refuse it to be. Let's just call this our interval.
We may not be eternal, but the bond we share surely is.
Maybe we'll meet someday, whether it's twenty years from now or fifty. We'll meet at a place beyond life and maybe hit the play button again. Just maybe.
So today I bid you goodbye, and not farewell.
This is me, hitting pause.